apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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