I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
