**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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