I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
