I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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