tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
