just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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