At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
