Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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