Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
