I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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