just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
