My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
