I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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