I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
