ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
