The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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