Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We talked him into tasing himself.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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