Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
