on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
