her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
