You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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