i already hear my dad disowning me
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He kissed a someone with a penis
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
