I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
