Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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