I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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