Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
