Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
