The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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