My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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