I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
