i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
