it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I intend to get homeless drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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