FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
