he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
