if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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