How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
