i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
