woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
