I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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