I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
