There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
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I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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