I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
