Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
