apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
