you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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