wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
