Quick, to the slutcave!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
