I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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