oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
