He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
