just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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