Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
