booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
