I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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