Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
