bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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