it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
