So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
